Kitchen weapons for the Revolution, a Civil War, or the Zombie Apocalypse

If you spend any time at all online doing anything other than fighting with people on Facebook or certain other sites where most people have a stick up their rears, you will notice that there are lots of people out there who are calling for a revolution, and lots of people predicting another civil war.

And then there are those who are waiting for the Zombie Apocalypse which according to them, is definitely going to happen.

No matter what terrible disaster you see looming in your near future, one should be prepared to defend themselves and their loved ones in their own homes .

Lots of people have a whole arsenal of firearms in their house and tons of ammunition stored away for just such an event. Now personally I believe at the very least you should have a shotgun if nothing else, but I understand that there are people who are totally against owning any sort of firearm, including a BB Gun.  Ya know, ya could shoot your eye out with one of those things (think A Christmas Story movie again lol)

So for those of you who are gun free, I am going to do a couple of blogs on home and self defense using items most people have right there in their house, or garage, or shed or lying around in the front yard with all the junk cars and old washing machines and various other stuff that you see when you ride down some rural roads in the good old US of A, and not just in redneck country either.

So, without further ado, I present to you what I call "Self Defense from the Kitchen"

We start first with the obvious, kitchen knives. Most people have a variety of sizes and types of kitchen knives. I recommend you keep them sharpened at all times because a dull knife is no good if you want to do some real damage to your attacker. Kitchen knives are the favorite weapon of dolls that come alive by the way, so you may want to get rid of any dolls you have lying around the house. You could probably give your child a Raggedy Ann doll though. I don't think they come alive, and if they do, they are cloth and have no fingers to wrap around the knives .  If you can't find a Raggedy Ann doll, just give your little girl a puzzle or a stuffed puppy dog.  It is the thought that counts anyway.

Moving right along... 

Our next kitchen weapon of choice is the good old fashioned meat cleaver. These are the favorites of those monster types in the horror movies.  I suppose it could be placed in the category of kitchen knives, but for some reason I feel it stands alone. I'm not too sure the meat cleaver would be quite as effective as one of those knives up there, but if you could manage to get your attacker to put their good hand down flat on the cutting board, I think you could take their fingers off with it, or probably their whole hand, in which case they couldn't hold whatever weapon they had with them, and then you would have a chance to run away, provided you could run faster than your attacker who is spurting blood from their chopped off fingers / hand.

I can see this happening in one of those zombie movies.

This next kitchen weapon is one of my favorites.  The good old fashioned meat beater. I have beaten a lot of meat with this thing in my lifetime. As you can see it has two sides. I have never actually used that flat side for anything but bamming the top back on to a paint can, so I recommend using the other side which would really put a hurt on anyone who was trying to put a hurt on you.  Of course you have to have a little bit of strength to wield one of these weapons so I don't recommend it for the feeble elderly except as a last resort.  Ugh, it won't be long before I will have to give up the use of this weapon, unless I start lifting weights religiously, which isn't gonna happen since I am not very religious about anything (though I am spiritual )  haha.

Oh, I forgot, there is another size of meat beater, it's the meat beater for wimps.  Perhaps those of you without any strength could use it, but you better have something else to go along with it, because it is really very light and probably won't do much to dissuade your attacker, except to make him mad. Especially if he is a zombie. But then again, do zombies have emotion, can they get mad ?

Next on the list of kitchen defense weapons is another of my favorites, the good old fashioned rolling pin. This is a kitchen essential of farmer's wives and older (ahem) women like me.  It used to be a staple in the kitchen, but I am thinking some of these younger women wouldn't even have a clue what it was , much less have one in their kitchen. One good swing up the side of the head with this, and your attacker will be down for the count.  I must tell you though, not all rolling pins are equal. The darker of these and also the older by 30 years, is about twice as heavy as the light colored one. They just don't make em like they used to in the olden days when I was a young thing.

Oh, along the same line as the rolling pin, we have the iron skillet, the favorite of angry housewives in cartoons. I've never felt the urge to hit anyone up the side of the head with one of these, but I imagine if you could lift it and had the strength to swing it hard enough, you could kill someone with it !!  Not long ago I had this thing sitting on the stove and I went to move it with my left hand, my non dominant hand, and I almost dropped it. I think I am quickly heading for that "feeble, elderly" category I talked about earlier .   Yikes !!

The next weapon is one I acquired just recently and it was on closeout sale for a mere two US dollars.  This is a meat tenderizer, which basically does what a meat beater does if you are using it on meat. But as a kitchen weapon, it's going to cause some real pain . At least I think it would, but since I am a nice person, I have never used it on anyone, no sireee Bob. I've only used it on steak and chicken.  But I wouldn't hesitate if I had to defend myself and it was the first thing I could grab.

Look at the spikes on this baby, they are sharper than nails believe me !!

These next few are in the miscellaneous kitchen weapons. Each one of them could do some damage in a pinch, but I would only use them as a last resort and then I would run as fast as I could, which with my bum knee is not really very fast :-(

Here we have a potato peeler, a bit on the rusty side so if you managed to scrape their skin off , they might contract tetanus, but by the time they did, they would probably have killed you so...

Also there is the old fashioned manual can opener which everyone should have in their house, this kind in particular because it doesn't tend to wear out like the kind with the hand crank or whatever you call it.  And because it has a nice sharp point on it which could puncture skin, but again, I only recommend it as a last resort and you better be able to run fast.

Then there are the biscuit cutters, which are probably useless as a weapon, but you could try putting your fingers through the handles and pretend they were brass knuckles........ uh nevermind.

And last but not least I have what I call kinky kitchen weapons. 

First there is the wooden spatula , or you could use a wooden spoon. Now this is not a very effective weapon for self defense, but you could use it to spank your attacker and tell him what a bad boy he must have been growing up. and how he should have had more spankings, but it might backfire because there are those people in the world who rather enjoy spankings so....   Uh, well, nevermind, that is the subject for a whole other blog.

Last but not least in our kitchen arsenal, we have the nutcrackers. These are self explanatory, so I won't elaborate, but I am sure most men are cringing at this point !!

And there you have it, Kitchen weapons for the Revolution, Civil War, and Zombie Apocalypse.

PS: In the unlikely event you do not own any of these kitchen weapons , I suggest you buy a few cans of this stuff and place them strategically around the house .  The minute you hear someone breaking down your door, grab a can and start spraying all of your wood, laminate, vinyl, or tile floors , backing away as you spray.  Then sit back and hope the attacker, or the angry mob of zombies, or the soldiers from a foreign land slip and fall and bust their heads so you have a chance to climb out the window and make your escape !  If not, may God have mercy on your soul. 

Until next time--

BE PREPARED !!!








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