I haven't written in a long time, and I don't know how much I will write here, but I just wanted to try to type something so people don't think I went to the land where nobody knows your name (everyone has an idea of the afterlife, so fill in the blank with your own beliefs) _______________ .
I'm doing my Spring cleaning which is something my Grandma and my Mom always did right before Easter back in the olden days when I was a kid. Wayyyy back then in the middle of the last century of the last millenium. The other day my granddaughter asked me " Nana, when were you born?" I told her I was born a long time ago in the middle of the last century of the last millenium. She looked kind of confused so I explained to her about centuries and milleniums and by the look on her face, I think I might just be ancient in her eyes. Then she said "but what year were you born?" So I had to tell her that I was born in 1955. Her eyes got real big and she says " you are old Nana". Thanks kid, don't remind me. I looked in the mirror the other day and told myself the same thing. And I don't even know how this happened. Life is so fleeting...
Well none of that has anything to do with Spring cleaning. Florida doesn't really have a Spring so my Spring cleaning usually starts at the beginning of January. But I was sick in January and it took most of the month to get back to normal and then suddenly it was the 10th of February and I realized I had better get started because in the blink of the eye, it will be hot here and I don't do Spring cleaning when it is hot. Another thing that spurred me on this morning, was when I was reading to my granddaughter, which we do every night. She was laying down on the sofa with her head in my lap and she interrupts me, and says "Nana, we need to save those cobwebs for when World War 3 starts, because it is going to start soon". She notices cobwebs under a wall shelf because of the way she was lying down and looking up. Two things disturbed me about her comment. One, the lesser one, was the fact that I had not seen those cobwebs myself, because I am normally a pretty thorough housekeeper. But what disturbed me the most was that a ten year old has to even think about WWlll. What a shitty world we live in... Oh, the reason she wanted to save the cobwebs for when the war started, was because she had just learned how they would use cobwebs in the Civil War to stop bleeding in wounds.
For most of last year I have been in a funk for reasons I should not have to explain if anyone has read the couple of posts I put up this year. Back in 2010 I spent a year or so in a deep depressive state, a really bad one. I wrote my way out of that state and one of the last things I wrote, was a description of what it felt like and a promise that I would NEVER let that dark cloud overtake me again. It's not something a person can understand until they have been there, but I am a strong person so it was not a pleasant experience for me to be wallowing in the darkness and I determined to get out of it. With what has transpired over the last year, I guess I would be justified to just give in and wallow for a year. But I wasn't going to let that happen. That depression way back then was because of a situation that I probably could have avoided, but I was stupid and let myself get wrapped up in something that was not in my best interests. I wrote about all of that back on Multiply so I won't go down that silly trail again. It all seems so ridiculous now and just a blip on the screen of life.
This year, this situation shook me, but it didn't break me. It hurts to know your child was in so much pain that she didn't want to live. But I know, that she would not want me to give up, she would want me to go on living and not to wallow in sadness. And it hurts to lose a young man, an "adopted son" to a bioweapon. That really hurts. But life has to go on, we have to move forward. And yes the grief is there and it may be there for a long time, but LIFE is worth living and so I go on...
Well that's it for today. I need to get back to my spring cleaning and figure out how to save cobwebs!!
Much love,
Lia 2/10/2022